


Damn it, Jim!

by Be_Right_Back



Series: Birthday ficlets [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: (I'm so glad these are actual tags), (or more accurately James T Kirk being James T Kirk), Attempt at Humor, Boys Being Boys, Brotp, Dialogue-Only, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Leonard "Bones" McCoy is So Done, Leonard "Bones" McCoy is a Good Friend, Prompt Fic, birthday prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:08:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23431459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Be_Right_Back/pseuds/Be_Right_Back
Summary: Prompt from StrictlyNoFrills:Hmm. Kirk accidentally getting them into trouble (could be serious or completely ridiculous) and then getting them back out of it, maybe? With lots of grumbling and snark from McCoy.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Series: Birthday ficlets [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1685512
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	Damn it, Jim!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [StrictlyNoFrills](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrictlyNoFrills/gifts).



> (I went with completely ridiculous.)
> 
> My very first fics, written what seems like a lifetime ago now, were dialogue-only. I realized I missed writing like that and decided to indulge x) Hope it works with what you had in mind <3

“Come with me, Bones. It’ll be great, Bones. It’s not like we could get in trouble for this, Bones.”

“Shut up, Bones.”

“ _Shut up, Bones_. You never want to do anything fun, Bones. You’re old and boring and I wish we’d never met, Bones.”

“I never said that!”

“Yeah? Well _I’m_ saying it, Jim! I’m saying it because I _like_ being old and boring and never doing anything fun! I’m saying it because we’re locked inside an Admiral’s office and we’re dead meat the second someone finds us there!”

“It’s not my fault!”

“ _How is it not your fault?!”_

“You can’t blame me for being too good at hiding, that’s the whole point of hide and seek. And keep it down, somebody’s going to hear you.”

“Jim, I _swear—”_

“Shhhh! … Ow, ow, ow. Bones, stop it!”

“Oh no, absolutely no way. I’m going to kick the ever loving _heck_ out of you. That way, when I get booted out of Starfleet, it’ll be for something I’m actually responsible for! … Jim. Jim, you get down from that closet this instant.”

“No way.”

“Way. There’s a window, damn it! Somebody’s gonna fly by and see you.”

"What, cowering under the desk with you is so much better? That way, if somebody walks in, they won’t get ideas.”

“Jim, I swear to God, you get down before that thing breaks under you or I’m pushing it over and _throwing you_ out of that window.”

“Bones, for the last time, it’s not _my_ fault the codes for the Admirals’ offices change every hour. You should be impressed I even got us in.”

“I would be impressed if you got us _out_! I can’t believe I didn’t realize it was Admiral Beckett’s door you were hacking.”

“But we won hide and seek!”

“Jim. There is one single thought sustaining me right now, and it’s slowly suffocating you in your sleep with my pillow or slipping a fun drug in your next meal. I swear to everything that’s holy, if you don’t get down I’m shooting you.”

“Is that a hypospray? Why do you have hyposprays on you? What’s in the hypospray?”

“I’m a doctor, Jim. We’re always armed.”

“Bones, I’m your friend. Your Jim. Your best buddy. Don’t use the hypospray.”

“I’ll drug your ass into the fourth dimension if you don’t get down to the floor now and start devising an amazing plan to get us out of here.”

“That’s not even a thing! You’re making up expressions!”

“ _Jim_.”

“I’m down, I’m down.”

…

“Bones?”

“Yeah?”

“You ever regret meeting me?”

“Oh God, _yes_.”

“But like, on a scale of zero to your ex-wife, where do you put regretting meeting me? Zero is like… Your kid, or something.”

“You’d be a solid 7.”

“How much is your ex-wife?”

“6.”

“What? That’s not how scales work!”

“Do I look like I care, Jim?”

…

“What’s that?”

“What’s what?”

“I heard a noise.”

“There’s no noise.”

“Damn it, Jim, there was a noise.”

“Maybe you heard wrong.”

“I didn’t hear wrong, there was a noise.”

“How d’you know that you didn’t hear wrong?”

“I’m a doctor, Jim. I didn’t hear wrong.”

“Because doctors have perfect hearing, like Vulcans and cats.”

“Shut up, Jim.”

…

“Bones?”

“Shut up, Jim.”

“No, Bones, I’m hearing the noise.”

“… Shit.”

“Shit. … Hide under the desk, hide under the desk, I take the potted plant.”

“You have a red uniform, you idiot. What do you think a green potted plant is going to do for you?”

“Do you want the potted plant?”

“No way, I’m keeping the desk.”

…

“So.”

“So.”

“There wasn’t any noise.”

“No, I guess there wasn’t.”

“Well.”

“That was just great.”

“You’ve got dirt all over, Jim.”

…

“Bones?”

“Jim?”

“You’re not calling me kid today.”

“You want me to?”

“I dunno. It just feels weird. Like I’m being scolded by my stepdad instead of my best friend. You always call me kid.”

“Fine, guilt trip me into being nice to you. Kid. … Oh, and wipe that stupid grin off your face, you don’t deserve me.”

…

“Bones? Bones? Bones?”

“What?”

“Is it true that an apple a day keeps you at bay?”

“...”

“Because Beckett has three apples on his desk, and you're here.”

“...”

“Seriously, Bones. What happens if I start eating the apples? Are you going to vanish? Does it make you nicer? Do they have to be non-replicated? Do green apples work? Boooones. What do the apples do?”

…

“Bones?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you gonna hit me again if I tell you something you don’t like?”

“I might. What is it?”

“… Err… I might have a way to get us out of here.”

“… Let me guess. It’s something you could have done hours ago.”

“Maybe? I just realized that I have my communicator.”

“ _JIM! I SWEAR—”_

…

“Brilliant plan, if I do say so.”

“Well I couldn’t exactly ask Uhura to hack Admiral Beckett’s door again, it’s just not done!”

“Yeah, because hacking the same door to play hide and seek is so much more acceptable. But really, Jim? Really? Bribery?”

“Hey, whatever works.”

“And how do you know Beckett’s secretary won’t rat us out once we’ve paid him?”

“He’s Gaila’s older brother. … Hey, get out from under there, I think it’s him.”

“You sure? I— Oh...”

“...”

“...”

“… Cadets.”

“… Captain Pike.”

“… Sir.”

“Do I want to ask?”

“Uh, hide and seek?”

…

“Come on Bones, it’ll be fine Bones, no way in heck we’ll end up on janitorial duty for the next three weeks, Bones. It’s not like we have four exams coming up that we won’t be able to study for because of this, _BONES.”_

“Gee, Bones, I get it.”

“How?! How do you always manage to make me go along with your stupid plans and your insane games and your moronic ideas? One day, you’re going to ask me to break into the Commander in Chief’s personal apartments so that you and Gaila can hook up on his desk, and I’ll say yes, because that’s how much of an _idiot_ I am. Damn it, Jim! I’m a doctor, not the sidekick in the sitcom that is your student life.”

“We played hide and seek with the first years and Pike grounded us. There’s really no need to make it into a big deal.”

“...”

“… Bones. Bones, is that the same hypo? What’s in the hypo, Bones? What’s in the hypo?”

…

“Hey, McCoy, where’s Kirk?

“Sickbay.”

“What? Why?”

“Didn’t eat enough apples.”


End file.
